relieved

things feel better now.

halloween is tomorrow and i still dont know what to be.

i wish i was a more decisive person.

i've got class at 4:45...i don't want to go.

the bird and the bee is nice afternoon music.

i tried cocoa pebbles for the first time today.

they were fucking bomb.

gross

it's really depressing outside today.

and i have to go sit in a hallway for like an hour to get signed off on my schedule for next year.

and i was a cunt on the phone to andrew last  night.

for absolutely no reason.

i want to get a rice crust pizza from tj's tonight.

or my soy cream out of andrew's freezer.

all i want is some shitty food and a large coffee.

sick of 210

i'm sick of my dorm.

it's so white and feels like a hospital.

and i hate only having one window, that doesn't even open.

all i want is to have an apartment with kristine where we have a bay window that we can sit next to when we eat breakfast on weekend mornings.

it was a good day

today while i was standing in line at the photo cage a girl in my class turned around and looked at me and said:

"y0u're not wearing all your thick eyeliner today"

i said "no, not today...i didn't feel like dealing with it"

she replied "you look pretty without it."

it made me feel good.

then i had a good one on one critique with abe.

he really likes my work.

sick

i've been getting sick a lot lately.

all i want to eat is stuff that has wheat in it.

or dairy in it.

so i eat it, and get sick.

surprise, surprise.

last night i went to a basement show in pawtucket at "easy axxess"

the effort, outrage, product of waste, soul control, golden age and jordan's new band played.  

it was a rad space and there weren't too many dumb kids there.

then i got back to andrew's and he told me he misses me when i don't sleep at his place.

how cute is that?

domesticity

tonight kristine and i were domestic.

i made vegan cocoa rice crispy treats.

kristine made bacon for her and nick's dinner.

it was nice to be social and cook with my bffl.

hiding

so here i am, sitting in andrew's room on his window sill with the door closed cause he and taylor are screaming at each other about the bills in the living room.

deanna just yelled at them to stop yelling and they're "calmly" discussing it now.

and by calmly i mean still swearing and talking really angrily, just a bit quieter now.

i feel so awkward.

i'm afraid somehow i'm gonna get brought into this cause i live here half the time.

i have to pee, but i'm afraid to leave the room.

"three girls and a fag"

yesterday i came back from andrew's and was super bummed for no reason.

as per usual.

and i almost called my mom and told her i wanted to come home.

but then i took a nap and molly invited me out to grasshopper with her and ian.

having dinner with them put me in a way better mood.

and andrew hit a mini-van on his bike.

he's in poor shape.

last night i stayed over and played mom and i think it made him annoyed.

i think i'm going back to grasshopper tonight with andrew [on crutches] for eddie's birthday.

tofu hand rolls & edamame nom nom nom

there's a hole in my stomach

i don't want to be here anymore.

i've always got this hollow feeling in my stomach and i'm constantly on the verge of tears for no reason.

i don't know what's wrong.

all i want is to sleep forever in andrew's bed in roxbury.

or even his bed in byfield.

i miss sleeping in andrew's bed until 2 in the afternoon and being woken up by him sitting on the edge of the bed wrapped in a towel after showering because he smelled so bad from biking.

i miss home too.

even though i just came back from it.

i want to go home for the night again.

yesterday

went as following:

wake up

drink juice

eat waffle

starbucks with dad

bank with dad

errands with dad

drive back to school with mom

look at overpriced coats at macy's with mom

get back to school

break down and sit on floor crying

decide that maybe school isn't for me right now

bike to andrews

sit on his floor and cry a lot more

eat spoonful of frosting and piece of watermelon even though i barely ate that day

watch blue crush with andrew

have sex

have my period come back

go to sleep at 10:00

i'm exhausted this morning even though i slept for like 11 hours.

happy edge day

i took a shower tonight

it was really nice to shower at home.

i can't remember the last time i showered  before today.

it's really bad.

i need to start showering more often.

i also need to figure out what's wrong with me.

panic attack last night.

no fun.

i love presents

today i got the present andrew sent me from chicago.

he had my address wrong so it didn't come until now.

he sent it in august.

it's a really cute t-shirt from the chicago diner.

which i will [hopefully] be attending on my 20th birthday with andrew and deanna and mackie.

spring break '09 is gonna rule.

i put lights up in my room

ughh

feeling so low.

i want to get on a train right now.

to anywhere that isn't here.

frigid

today i sat on the corner of huntington and evans way for 6.5 hours.

and now i'm freezing.

but i made a new friend!

smile

lauren steil posted this today in a myspace bulletin.

it made me smile.

i think i'll try this tomorrow.

"sometimes I like to be alone, "sometimes" is an understatement

if it weren't for being alone in LA I wouldn't be who I am right now, and I am probably nothing like you would think

I love the color peach, it reminds me of california and florida

my tomato plant has a tiny baby green tomato on it, and I also have a pineapple plant and a banana tree (but no fruit yet!)

I want to become an amazing cook

I want to become a nurse

I care for all people that want to grow and work at it

when I have a free day I'm going to go to the beach to collect sea shells

I am continuing to expand as a designer and photography

I am grateful for all of the honest and real friendships I have and continue to have...and for the ones we are working on to be that

I am equally grateful for people believing in me and I love to believe in people 

the travel channel rules for having Anthony Bourdain and Samantha Brown

I want a telescope

sparkly stickers & doughnuts are my weakness

I drink a gallon of skim milk by myself in just a few days

pilates is my savior

you can win me over with an amazing tuna fish sandwich

I want to learn how to do wood work and I want a wood stump

less stress more fun

be careful who you take advice from

for anyone that has given me a chance at showing you who I am...thank you

sometimes I like to list the things I appreciate and the things I want to accomplish and keep in mind...you should try it sometime :)"

trees

i think all i needed was to see trees.

with all their different colored leaves.

and some of them with half their leaves on the ground.

i think i'll go to the arboretum this week.

i think i need it.

it really sucks

to be so sad in a place that you love so much.

i caved and went home again.

my mom's really worried about me.

so is lindsay.

i'm ok

things are better now.

i'm gonna try to stop crying from now on.

cause when i do, i can never stop.

i'm watching project runway reruns.

i love project runway and heidi's obnoxious laugh.

i haven't had sex in like 2 weeks.

i'm going insane.

absolutely insane.

somewhere

i really just want to run away.

i don't care where, i just need to get out of here.

i'm so sick of everything.

i want to fix everything and i can't, so i just want to leave.

pack up and leave.

worried

sick.

tonight

i made delicious vegan gluten free cupcakes.

maybe this gluten allergy won't suck too bad if i can make good baked goods.

molly came over today for a shoot.

i haven't seen her in like 3 weeks, but things never change.

no matter how long it's been.

still haven't heard from andrew.

cool beans.

the hills in on mtv.com

must watch!

fix me

fix my head

fix me please

i don't wanna be dead

sick

of being sick.

i'm sick of having my back hurt all the time for no reason.

i'm sick of being broke.

i'm sick of doing school work.

i'm sick of not being motivated.

i'm sick of not having time to have sex.

i'm sick of eating.

i'm sick of being fat.

i'm sick of everything right now.

all i want is a hug.

and for someone to tuck me into bed tonight.

lard ass

i'm getting really fat again.

i'm trying not to eat very much and it's mildly successful.

i figure if i just drink tons of water like i used to and drink more coffee my metabolism will kickstart.

then maybe i won't gag when i look in the mirror.