harumph

i'd like to dye my hair darker.

and get it trimmed.

it's looking a hot mess lately.

i've come to the conclusion that i spend too much time on people.com wishing i was someone else.

for once

i just want to be sure of something.

"i'm just wishing for the same thing i'm always wishing for, and that's, you know, an adventure and an adventurous life"

cold

my house is really cold but no one else seems to be noticing.

my dad isn't going to be here until like halfway through dinner because his friend is dying.

my mom's stressed cause her turkey cooked quicker than it should've.

the gluten-free bread we made burned.

i have to leave my house in like 6 and a half hours to go to work until 6am.

awesome.

things were looking good, but not so much anymore.

happy thanksgiving

molly got into umass boston

and i'm making tons of delicious gluten and dairy free food.

things are good.

so i ate some ice cream

worst idea i've had in a very long time.

but it was so good.

i hung out with tricia and molly this morning/afternoon.

we went and got starbucks.

i got a soy 2 pump mocha...it was amazingly delicious .

then we went back to tricia's and i took some pictures of them.

came home around 3, went to hot topic to get my parking pass for friday.

came back home and watched "rumor has it" with mom.

it was cute.

i feel better being home.

much more relaxed.

i only felt sad for like 5 minutes today...it's a record.

home

i found these pictures of the day i went to harvard square by myself and then walked home from the arlington stop on the green line.

it was pretty and fall outside and i was on the verge of a breakdown.

so i made them into polaroids.

i downloaded a polaroid maker today.

"you've become a ghost. you're floating somewhere in between the waking world and a landscape of dreams" -saves the day

i'd like to be in newburyport right now.

drinking an iced coffee from souffles and reading henry rollins on the boardwalk.

feeling sick

my stomach's been weird all day.

and my back is killing me.

i want andrew to stay over tonight, but apparently he's working and then going to a show.

so i won't see him until i get back to boston on like sunday.

rad.

i'm getting fat again

this happened last year and i don't like it.

seattle's best

hazelnut coffee that they sell at wentworth makes me happy.

black coffee and grilled veggies with orange sauce for dinner.

feeling really weird.

bill invited me to go to grasshopper with him, tay and eddie for the buffet.

i wanted to go.

but i have so much homework.

i hate school.

lately i've had tons of bruising on my body and i don't know where they're from.

i have them on my legs and i had one of my chest last week.

and my legs have been swollen looking.

and i've been retaining water.

and i feel really weak all the time.

i looked it up on webmd and they're all symptoms of malnutrition and lack of absorption of nutrients due to having celiac disease.

fucking love my god damn life.

one way to ruggles please....$6.75

on the train back to school.

but going back home tuesday night.

seeing carol made me feel better and made me realize i need to not worry so much about everyone else around me....because that's all i do.

and then i forget about myself...and then i break down.

a cycle i have become very close friends with.

i'm in the free wi-fi car right now.

and there's too many people on it.

i've been looking at ian francis's work and joel-peter witkin's photography.

witkin's is fucked out of his mind and i keep hoping someone will see what i'm looking at and think i'm a psycho...cause that would really amuse me.

when i get home i have to go out and shoot picture....of architecture.

at night.

in the cold.

because abe thought it'd be cool to give us stuff due monday.

gag me with a boring spoon.

at home

again.

seeing carol tomorrow morning.

hopefully she'll fix all my problems.

i had a nice day with kristine today.

we had lattes and did homework.

and then walked to H&M on newbs street and shopped...but didn't buy anything.

then we came back and went up to the library.

i took out some books and kristine stayed and worked.

then i went to class, saw the sold out sally mann lecture and then hopped a train home.

and here i am.

vanilla soy lattes

in espresso royale with kristine doing Maureen's homework.
homework sucks.
espresso is good.

fuck up

i skipped class today
i went to andrews at like 1 AM
and slept until 1 in the afternoon
and then we went to the museum
and then i came back here, but i haven't done any work.
i lied to my mom on the phone and told her i had done a bunch of work today and class was fine.


kristine and justin are getting on my case too.
i wish i could appreciate people being concerned.
but it just makes me want to run away more.






i'm such a fuck up.

epiphany

tonight i was talking to molly and she made me realize that i live my life for other people, not for myself.
i can't recall the last time i really did something for myself.
just for me and no one else.


i think i'm digging myself into a hole.

these puppies are grand.

http://cdn1.ustream.tv/swf/4/viewer.45.swf?cid=317016



and i want to go home.
right now.

it smelled like snow this morning at 8:45 a.m. when i was walking to class.

i love winter.

i can't wait to wake up to a view of snow covered lower income housing.

i want this cat so bad

sphynx cat's are the cutest.

foggy & rainy

i can barely make out the top of the st.alphonsus street church.

i got a check for working open house yesterday.

$50...how i'm paying for ceremony tonight if i go.

i was a jerk to andrew last night.

but i think it's cause i was crying for 4 hours and after that kind of a release you're bound to do something retarded.

i went to bed at like 11.

and just woke up.

i'm a wreck.

i think i need anxiety meds.

rock

bottom

TJ's

yesterday after class I went to TJ's with andrew and made them vegan peanut butter cups.

which they are now selling there for a dollar.

it made me feel accomplished.

and i got a free salad.

but afterwards i felt really awkward.

like when i wasn't busy anymore.

but andrew wanted me to "stay and hang out with everyone"

which made me really anxious, cause i feel like i don't fit in there.

and then i was in a shitty mood.

and then i just got really sad.

and then i almost called my mom and took a train home.

but i didn't.

i was planning on making pancakes this morning for andrew and i, and they turned into this vegan naan like substance.

they were delicious.

whatever happened to

something corporate?

i went grocery shopping again today

the new whole foods brand ricemilk container is cute.

and backwards apparently.

however, this makes me happy

feeling hollow

i'm afraid andrew won't stay in boston when he gets back from europe.

he keeps talking about how he doesn't want to come back to the apartment in february anymore.

what am i going to do if he leaves?

worried

i'm worried about kristine.

i can't remember the last time she was sober for an entire 24 hours.

i like her new hair color

Paramore - New Music - More Music Videos

so today i watched the new paramore video.

and i am like super pumped on it cause i'm still 16 on the inside

fuck my life

i think i'm almost failing two classes.

great.

fuck the world.

last night was cool

have fun shooting polar bears and moose in alaska yah cunt!

vote

i voted today.

it made me feel old.

but accomplished and important.

vote

i voted today.

it made me feel old.

but accomplished and important.

best dinner

broccoli 2 egg omelets with ketchup.

lame

nick broke up with kristine for no good reason.

and now she's really upset.

so we threw everything he gave her into a big box and we're leaving it at his dorm.

we're going to victorias secret to buy underwear in a bit.

new things make everything better.

last night i was really bummed for no reason.

i've  been feeling disconnected from things recently.

i complained about life to andrew for like half an hour.

and then gave him a back massage to make up for it.

and then we had sex and went to sleep and i woke up feeling better.