i cannot wait for this to come out

so cold

i'm freezing right now.

last night molly and i got quiznos.

it was delicious.

then i bought 2 new bras, only one fits though.

then we went back to dorchester and hung out with sam, chris, mikey walsh, his new lady friend and mike allen.

i never realized that mike allen is hilarious.

and i'm amused by the fact that he calls me coolrica.

mike's new girl is ali's best friend, she used to date andy and knows tons of people from the franklin area that i know.

so fucking weird.

i'm starting to miss andrew a lot.

hopefully going to the effort/bonus army/watchfire/the nasty/hammer bro/think again show tomorrow with deanna, tony and jordan.

i just want to see kids that make me feel happy.

where's the sun?

i would like to be taking a nap on a beach right now.

or in evan's way park.

i'm really sick of being cold.

my feet are frozen.

but on the bright side, i made my first c-print today.

i think i'm really going to like doing this.

it's difficult but gratifying.

snow day today

last night massart cancelled school for today.

so today i slept in until 11 and woke up to snow.

hung around and then kristine and i went to cambridgeside on a mission to buy new underwear.

got tons of cute undies at aerie.

7 for $25 sale!!!

back to school and then headed out to dorchester to see molly's new apartment and hang out with her and sam.

met her roommate chris who has a hairless rat.

cutest thing ever!

we sat around and sam played guitar, molly sang and chris a drum.

family band style.

it was nice to hear molly sing again and to see sam.

kristine is so high right now.

it's hilarious.

gone

andrew left last night.

i cried in the bus station, which was totally lame.

he texted me during his whole bus ride last night.

i think this separation is going to be really hard on us.

but i figure if tony and beth can make their relationship work being separated for months at a time, andrew and i can do it.

i think justin and i are going to try and find a record player this weekend because we both want one really bad.

heather might be coming over tonight.

justin is having sarah and romek over to eat dinner and watch the documentary on abe morell.

hopefully i get my homework done so i can join them.

i drew a heart around the name of your city

andrew's leaving today.

i'm already feeling empty and he doesn't leave until 9:45.

last night he gave me this rubber band he's been wearing around his wrist since he was in europe...i feel so lame wearing it but i don't care.

i have to go to work until noon.

i've still got huge X's on my hands from last night.

the show last night was fun.

it was good to see people, and the bands that played were all really good stuff that i enjoy listening to.

i met kimberly finally and some girl named amanda from south carolina came up and introduced herself to deanna and i.

she seemed really cool.

i think jordan is giving deanna and i a ride to the show in dover on sunday.

super pumped on it.

i miss molly.

i haven't seen her in like a week and a half.

"what i say is, as long as you have a direction, there's no need worrying about a destination"

jordan wrote that on my wall yesterday in response to my "about me" on facebook which says "i've got the straight edge and no idea what i'm doing with my life"

for some reason this really got to me.

i try to control the outcomes of everything so much.

i'm constantly thinking about where i'll be tomorrow or the next day.

i wish i could just let go and try to let things just happen.

i think it would be easier to do that if i could just make some informed decisions in my life and really stick to them.

i'm on such a girly music kick right now

and i want to be lily allen when i grow up.

looks like i need to move to london and dye my hair.

this is the sound it makes when it all comes crashing down

i hope i don't mess this up.

this is going really well but i have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that i'm going to royally fuck it up.

stressful

heather and doug's birthday on saturday was fun.

i ended up leaving around midnight and andrew walked me home because i didn't want to walk home alone from allston.

we dumpstered panera so now i have bread.

he wants me back.

he knows he fucked up really bad.

but i can't take him back...not right now at least.

who knows what will happen 6 months from now, but as for right now, i'm not ready to start this all over again.

i'm not ready for a boyfriend again.

heather and i went to all you can eat at grasshopper last night.

i ate 3 plates of food, and felt so sick.

then i hung out with her, doug and dana afterwards.

then i went home and watched rambo with justin.

it was nice to have him back in the dorm.

now i'm sick and home for a night.

he never texts me before 10...i think he knows i like to sleep late

yesterday afternoon bill randomly got to leave work super early.

so he took me out to grasshopper and refused to let me pay.

played a whole lot of "you're team" on the ride back to massart.

then we watched mask of the phantasm and the tool academy.

last night deanna and i went out to eat at the otherside cafe.

i had really yummy food and all the waiters were cute hipsters.

the only thing i didn't like was how dark it was in there.

then i came home and passed out by 12:30.

i've been getting into the habit of have a socially productive day and then going to bed no later than 1am....it's been really good.

i feel rested and successful.

heather & doug's  mexican birthday tonight.

oh my life

andrew stayed over wednesday night because he had no place to sleep and no keys to his apartment.

he brought me presents from europe.

i got veg starbursts, veg gummy bears, a stolen german burger king sign and a keychain from germany that has "erika" written on it.

we talked until 6 in the morning about things.

i still have feelings for him, and he has them for me.

but it can't work out right now.

i told bill about it, and things are still good.

we hung out yesterday.

we drove around trying to find a movie theater that still had the spirit playing, and we finally found one after an hour, but the showing wasn't until 9:30.

so we just ended up watching metalocolypse for a few hours.

he makes me laugh a lot.

loves it

i somehow pulled of an A- in my poetry class.

mind you i got a D+ on the first test and handed in one of my two papers in a month and a half late.

i don't get it.

but i'm not going to fight it.

time to get this off my chest

andrew's back from europe.

i'm seeing him on friday at some point.

i'm going to sit him down and tell him everything that's been on my mind and everything i've been doing.

maybe i should just have him read my blog.

bill leaves for tour on friday : (

at least he'll only be gone for like a week and a half.

things are going well.

i had to work inventory tonight.

the company hot topic hires to help us out with inventory is full of rude assholes who cannot count to save their lives.

it was horrible.

but at least i got good hours because we had to stay late.

such a good weekend

spent friday night lounging around with kristine.

made some peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, nomnom.

woke up saturday morning and hit newbury street.

had such a good shopping day spending xmas gift cards.

i bought:

it was a very successful shopping day.

then i spent the evening watching batman the animated series at bill's house while it started snowing outside.

sunday brought shopping in harvard square where i exchanged my hoodie because there was a sweet rip in it.

all i bought was a mocha.

kristine left around 3 and then i headed up to haverhill to the bonus army/maintain/all star me/watchfire/etc. show via train because bill had to pick up enrique and couldn't get me too.

but he drove me back to school.

this boy makes me smile a whole lot.

it was weird being at a show alone, but it wasn't bad.

i was always afraid to go to shows without andrew.

but not anymore, i no longer need to rely on people.

i've got myself and that's all i need.

i've been really happy.

it's so good to feel this way again.

realization

i've realized one of the main reasons why i was so depressed this semester was because you always made me feel like i wasn't good enough for you.

i went through my whole life feeling that.

and when you got unhappy with your life you decided to make me feel shitty too, whether you realized you were doing it or not.

thanks for pointing out when i gained weight.

thanks for poking my stomach when it was bloated.

thanks for putting your new "job" that didn't actually pay you anything before me.

thanks for letting me know it was more important to you.

thanks for making me feel awful when i ate something that wasn't vegan.

thanks for making me feel guilty for going shopping.

thanks for making me feel like all i was good for was sex and a hot breakfast made for you when you woke up.

thanks for making me feel stupid all the time.

thanks for pointing out my flaws.

thanks for being part of the reason i was sad.

hope you're having fun in europe.

i spent the last 2 and a half hours in panera

just talking and eating with lauren and carolyn.

it's funny how when you've known someone your whole life you can not see each other for 4 months and when you get back together nothing has changed.

we're still the same friends we were 16 years ago.

it's weird to think of being friends with someone for 16 years.

but it's nice having old friends.

i get to spend this weekend with kristine.

and i get to see kait, and maybe heather.

and i'm seeing bill on saturday and sunday night.

i'm in such a good mood.

even though i have to go to work.

things are looking up.

i think i'm getting in over my head

but i honestly don't think i really care.

i'm smart.

i'll figure this shit out.

i cannot wait for friday.

PMA

i've been in a really good mood since saturday night.

it's weird because i haven't been happy in so long.

it feels really good.

my mom noticed i've been happier, she told me she was really worried about me when i came home from school and was seriously thinking about getting me hospitalized.

glad i dodged that bullet.

new years resolutions:

-stay posi

-stop skipping class, make sure kristine doesn't either

-paint my nails more often because it makes me feel pretty

-work on losing another 10 pounds

-find someone to make me happy

-make new friends, rekindle old friendships, keep the ones i've got

-smile every day

-don't cry anymore over dumb things

-work on not being broke by the end of the semester

fuck

echinacea and tylenol for breakfast

cramps like a motherfucker

i hate being a woman sometimes

all i want is to see how much chocolate i can eat

and i want grasshopper

i woke up happy this morning

i can't remember the last time that happened.

i can't stop smiling

i left vt this afternoon.

the bus was like 45 minutes late so i didn't get into boston until 4:45, so i didn't end up getting to the dorm until 5:30...which sucked.

it's warm in boston compared to vermont.

it's a nice change.

i hung out with bill tonight.

it's nice to feel happy again.

home tomorrow

i'm taking a bus back to boston tomorrow.

vt has been fun, but i've had enough.

it's too god damn cold here

and i've seen too many games of beirut.

for new years i went outside in -10 degree weather and ran around a playground with tricia and her friends and then saw fireworks set off over lake champlain.

in vt i've met some nice kids, some lame kids.

ate a lot of pb & fluff.

played with kittens.

texted bill a lot.

watched wanted 3 times in 3 days.

drove tricia's new car.

hooked up with a boy i barely talked to.

ate a delicious veggie sandwich.

and slept surprisingly well on an air matress.

probably hanging out with bill tomorrow night.

should be a fun time.