6 degrees, feels like -8

i'm in vermont at tricia's right now.

it's fucking freezing.

we drove up yesterday.

i decided on a whim on monday to come up here because i had nothing to do for new years and i really need to get away from MASS and clear my head.

thus far it's been good for me.

i've barely thought about him since being here.

i've been talking to bill a lot lately.

tonight tricia and i are going to watch fireworks over lake champlain at midnight...but i've got no idea what we're doing up until then.

she's napping right now.

i probably should too...i'm exhausted as usual.

burlington, vermont

going to burlington tomorrow with tricia.

i'm gonna stay for a couple days.

i think it will be good to see something new and clear my head.

maybe kiss someone other than tricia or molly at midnight.

hahahaa

bill invited me to come to kat & jr's for new years, but i had already made plans to go to tricia's by the time i got his message.

it would be fun to see them outside of a show.

but i think some vermont air will do me good.

i miss the feeling

of skin on skin and sleeping next to someone.

whatta bust

the show tonight kind of sucked.

seeing energy with barriers and not being able to get down to the floor during their set was a total letdown.

but on the bright side i got to see deanna, rory & mackie

and ate wendy's in a parking lot with molly & kelly.

i missed the effort boys & andrew tonight.

deanna concurred that it felt weird being there without them.

jordan posted a bulletin saying europe is amazing.

i'm glad they love it.

i can't wait for march 9th.

control

i almost started crying today

and i stopped myself.

it felt nice to be able to do that again.

i haven't been able to in a long time.

i haven't cried in like 4 days and it's such a good feeling.

back to regular life tomorrow

the holiday's are so disorienting.

you spend all this time getting ready.

you stress out, wrap gifts and run around like a madman.

and then it comes.

you eat too much food [and get sick from eating dairy in my case].

stay up too late without knowing it.

and wake up early to prepare for more company.

and then...it's over.

all of the sudden we just have to switch to normal life again.

everyth

ing goes back to normal.

i've decided it's weird.

but i got a new betsey bag for christmas.

set your goals, energy & four year strong tomorrow with molly, kelly, deanna, rory & mackie.

should be a good time.

xxxmas eve

it doesn't feel like the holidays.

my grandparents are here...i'm finally seeing how old they are.

my grammy's got cataracts so bad she can barely see.

my grampy has lost feeling in his fingertips.

i guess i never thought of them as 85 years old before.

dinner was nice tonight though.

my mom made lots of food i could eat.

it's the first xmas eve in a long time that we haven't had chinese.

it doesn't feel like tomorrow's christmas.

i wish it did.

i miss that feeling.

but besides that i was glad to see family.

i've gotten really grateful for what i have lately.

march 9-15 chicago with heather & maybe kristine.

last night was what i needed

i got to spend 5 hours with people i love at a really good show.

i haven't felt genuinely happy like that in a long time.

and then andrew and i decided to pretend nothing had changed between us and spent the whole night and all of today acting like we used to.

it felt comfortable and good.

but it's sad to know it probably wont be like that when he gets back.

i don't know how to feel.

but for now i'll sit here making christmas cookies i can't eat in my new effort long sleeve tony gave me for free and listen to the free cds kat gave me of gavin portland and fighting shit [both of which rule] and fake a smile.

but it's only half fake because the xmas trees finally up.

things that make me happy as of late

ian francis' artwork

http://www.myspace.com/manoverboardnj  

tricia being home

tomorrow will be nice

i'm planning on sleeping in very late.

and then going to see caple with tricia.

and then driving to haverhill for the effort record release show.

and staying the night at andrew's.

i got out of work an hour and a half early today because of the weather.

but am getting paid for the hour and a half i didn't work.

solid.

i was craving grasshopper really bad today.

i would like it to be monday

tonight was fun but awkward.

seeing tricia, katie and molly was good.

i hate seeing people from high school who i don't really like.

at least i'm way hotter and thinner now than i was 2 years ago.

it's snowing a lot still

it's really pretty outside.

my brother and i are pulling up the cardboard all over the addition so that we can see the nice new hardwood floors and they look really nice.

i'm going to be sliding all over them in my socks today.

andrew and i talked until 5am this morning.

everything feels really settled now.

it'll be good to see him on monday.

i think i'm staying over his house which will be nice.

i haven't see his family since this summer.

oh, and this rules.

it's so cool

when i almost die on my way home cause it's snowing so hard and people are assholes who drive too god damn fast on the snow covered highway.

however it is actually cool that i just sent in my final paper for my art & human development class so i'm officially done with school for the semester.

and heather IMd me tonight and we're going to chicago for spring break.

and it's going to rule.

and tomorrow i get to see tricia.

and alex and i are going to hang out soon [i haven't seen him since the spring]

and i downloaded a ton of bad brains and misfits.

i haven't been this happy in a long time.

fuck

it's snowing and i have to go to work until 7.

then i have to come home and write this dumb paper for maureen.

ughhhh.

can it just be monday night please?

this almost made me cry

jaye told me to look up pon and zi online when she saw the portfolio work i did for traditional media...so i did and it made me really sad.

i need to find a way to get rid of my emotions.

i want to study abroad in the netherlands next year.

contemplating life

so i'm sitting in coffee sensations in medway attempting to write this case study for art and human development and it's not going so well because my ADD is kicking in hardcore.

i've been downloading black flag and bad brains albums instead.

my internet is down at home...lame.

i've been talking to kristine today and i think the only way i'm going to really be able to do this is if i force myself to get out there and meet some new guys.

force myself to give someone my number.

force myself to flirt with someone.

force myself to go out on a date.

somewhat force myself to have sex with someone...but my raging hormones and pent up sexual tension will probably take care of that.

i'm not ready to be in a relationship nor do i want to be because andrew's got a strong hold on my heart still and i don't think it's going to change.

and what's the point [if it comes along] of starting a relationship if you know you won't let yourself fall in love with someone?

deanna posted this in a myspace bulletin today

henry rollins

"Best not to mix the past with the present. The present paints the past with gold. The past paints the present with lead. When I run backwards I feel the desperation rise. Best for me to hurtle headlong into the present. Never look back. Maybe catch on fire if I do it right. That's all there is-the Right Now. If we don't plant ourselves in the front row of the present, I predict that if any of us reach old age, we'll be sitting on the front porch thinking, "Damn, shoulda burned all the temples. Screamed, danced and dragged life through the coals". I align myself with life's brutal headlong lunge towards Death. I am in motion at all times. Waging war with Exhaustion. Winning some and losing some."

i bought a white shirt yesterday

i felt pretty today for the first time in a very long time.

the twenty-second

so JR messaged me yesterday and told me that elm street is playing the effort kick off show.

i'm actually really pumped because i haven't seen them play since high school.

molly's going to drive up to haverhill with me.

it should be a nostalgic experience.

tonight was harder than i thought it would be

i had a good day today though.

i wrote a 3 page paper, ate a bagel, took a bike ride, bought a new shirt, caught up with molly and cried in kait's lap in front of her boyfriend for a half an hour.

and now i feel relieved and sure that everything i did was right.

and kait's boyfriend seems like a really good guy.

i'm growing up.

oh bright eyes

"but i give myself three days to feel better
or else i swear i'll drive right off a fucking cliff
'cause if i can't learn to make myself feel better
how can i expect anyone else to give a shit?
and i scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere
just get me past this dead and eternal snow
'cause i swear that i'm dying, slowly but it's happening
and if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere
just take me there, just take me there, just take me there
and say, and lie to me, and say, and lie to me, and say
it's going to be alright"


i've decided i'm gonna be alright.
and i'm going to learn to make myself feel happy.

my hair's growing back

things are ok

andrew and i talked today and we're on a "break"

we talked for a long time today and realized that we got into this really quickly.

we knew each other for like a week before we made it official and said i love you within a month.

we don't regret any of it and we still love each other, but we really just need to work on ourselves and see other people to make sure this is it for us.

being this committed at 19 is scary, so a little freedom will help us out.

we just need some breathing room and time to figure out what we want in life.

he's still going to be my best friend, we're just planning on removing the intimacy and the title of being in a relationship for while.

so i guess i'm single....and my ex-boyfriend is now my best friend.

and i'm actually okay with it because i think it's what we need right now.

back at school and i wish i wasn't

i walk into my kitchen only to find two huge black trash bags.

one full of newspaper and one full of trash because justin is a slob.

he can't walk 20 feet down the fucking hallway and put those bags in the god damn trash room and take the elevator up 5 floors to the fucking recycling bins?!

i'm so god damn fed up with this shit.

i cleaned the whole fucking room on thursday and he just messes everything up.

FUCK

home sweet home

woke up to a coffee pot full of coffee because my dad is amazing.

it was still warm when i woke up.

so he must have made it right before left so it'd be hot when i got up.

had a cup and then met angie at starbucks.

2 pump soy mocha and good conversation with an old friend.

picked up my brother and rachel from track.

she's dating one of his friends...it's weird to think of my little "sister" as dating someone.

back home drinking this morning's leftover coffee and sitting on my couch.

going back to school tomorrow to go to mass market with andrew.

writing paper's all day tomorrow.

i ate bread today

and i didn't get sick.

so apparently i'm not allergic to gluten?

what the fuck is wrong with my body then!?

i just want it to be the 21st & 22nd.

2 shows.

good bands, good friends, staying in byfield.

cannot wait.

this room is so much more empty now

kristine left a couple hours ago.

i feel really lonely now.

even though generally sit on our respective beds and IM eachother while doing homework most of the time while we're home, it feels weird knowing she's back in CT right now.

and that i won't see her for a couple weeks.

i want to be home.

my head hurts

i slammed it on kristine's desk earlier today to show how much i didn't want to do homework.

poor choice on my part.

i should be painting.

i ate one of the crumb cake cupcakes i made today for my photo class  that are made with real flour.

just to see if it makes me sick.

i'm listening to taking back sunday and reliving middle school and early high school.

i haven't seen andrew since saturday.

he lost his phone again.

i want to go home and get my hair cut.

my bangs are so god damn long.

i want the ocean right now

i'd like to go back to that day in june where andrew, deanna, james, mackie, rory and i went to the beach before mackie went back to chicago and james went on tour.

and we ate all rory's food and sat on his deck in the sun while james tried to get a tan.

and the boys went and jumped off bridges.

and we spent the night in mackie's hot tub.

and ended the night by watching murder she wrote.

i miss the summer for the first time ever.

it's days like these

that i really hate having ovaries.

it snowed today

finally.

kristine texted me at 7:30 and came in my room.

we sat in the living room in front of the big window and talked and watched the snow for an hour.

then i went back to sleep.

i met up with jen for her birthday today with molly, mike, andrew, dylan and her friend matt.

we went to pf changs, it was allright.

heather brought me over some cupcakes she made.

i miss living with her.

now i'm back here.

tomorrow i'm going to make rice pasta with peppers, vegan cheese and tomato sauce for me and kristine.

things feel ok today.

this is all i listen to lately

i really miss

being the person i was last year.

i miss being pretty

and fun

and having friends

and being social

and not anxious all the time

franklin

today my 8-11 class only went until 9:30.

it was great.

i went home and slept until 11:30.

then i watched requiem for a dream and cried a whole lot.

and it made me worry about tricia for some reason.

so i left my dorm in a rush and got a soy mocha and walked around the hospital district and then somehow ended up at stop & shop.

i bought soy nog so i can make cookies with it tomorrow.

home for the night with kristine.

waking up at 6:45 tomorrow morning.

going to observe preschoolers tomorrow for a paper we have to write.

then we're gonna go to ocean state job lot just for fun.

cause it's skeezy and we're sure to find something random but useful there.

then taking the train back to school.

and sleeping at andrews so we can go on an adventure tomorrow.

don't know where we're going but it will be nice to spend the day with him, because we never have time to just hang out anymore.

classes will be over soon so we'll have more time to do fun things together.

just watched requiem for a dream

fuck.

i like don't know what to do with myself right now.

fuck yeahh

last night i was a mess and andrew called me and told me to come outside cause he had a surprise for me.

my first surprise was that he bought me a roll from whole foods, that i couldn't eat.

it was cute though, he keeps forgetting i can't have gluten.

then he took me for a ride in the bike cart from tj's.

it's totally a seat thing for little kids but it was rad.

we went around the fens.

it was cool going backwards down the streets and seeing everything rush past me.

then we came back and stayed up until like 4 am.

i finished writing my paper this morning at like 9.

then woke andrew up and made him apple cinnamon naan....because yet again i somehow made naan instead of pancakes.

i'm such a failure.

deanna's coming over to take a shower.

apparently she has no hot water : (

i haven't seen her in awhile so it'll be nice to take a break from homework and see her for a few minutes.

this was class today...

actually doing homework

i'm finally writing my poetry analysis that was due a month and a half ago.

luckily my teacher likes me and told me just to do it and get it to her whenever.

i think she feels bad for me cause i broke down in front of her one day.

my mom drove back to boston tonight to drop off my books for that class because i left them at home and would be fucked without them.

so i made her dinner.

and then she helped me outline my paper.

it was weird because my mom never helped me with my homework in highschool.

but it was nice to have the help.

kristine, rachel and i went to victoria's secret and bought underwear today.

it was justified because we had $10 off coupons and they were giving away a free pair of underwear with any pink purchase....6 pairs of undies for $15 rules.

andrew's coming over tonight.

we're making apple cinnamon pancakes in the morning.

i haven't seen him since last tuesday morning.

this summer

i'd really like to move away.

just for the summer.

maybe not even the whole summer, maybe just 2 months.

temporarily transfer to another hot topic so i have a job.

take andrew with me.

and just try and find home.

cause i can't find it, and i think that's why i'm so depressed all the time.

i feel like i have no real home.

nothing feels comfortable and settled.

if i really dig chicago when i go to visit i might see if andrew wants to run away there for the summer.

there's hot topics in chicago, so i'd be set.