6 degrees, feels like -8

i'm in vermont at tricia's right now.

it's fucking freezing.

we drove up yesterday.

i decided on a whim on monday to come up here because i had nothing to do for new years and i really need to get away from MASS and clear my head.

thus far it's been good for me.

i've barely thought about him since being here.

i've been talking to bill a lot lately.

tonight tricia and i are going to watch fireworks over lake champlain at midnight...but i've got no idea what we're doing up until then.

she's napping right now.

i probably should too...i'm exhausted as usual.

burlington, vermont

going to burlington tomorrow with tricia.

i'm gonna stay for a couple days.

i think it will be good to see something new and clear my head.

maybe kiss someone other than tricia or molly at midnight.

hahahaa

bill invited me to come to kat & jr's for new years, but i had already made plans to go to tricia's by the time i got his message.

it would be fun to see them outside of a show.

but i think some vermont air will do me good.

i miss the feeling

of skin on skin and sleeping next to someone.

whatta bust

the show tonight kind of sucked.

seeing energy with barriers and not being able to get down to the floor during their set was a total letdown.

but on the bright side i got to see deanna, rory & mackie

and ate wendy's in a parking lot with molly & kelly.

i missed the effort boys & andrew tonight.

deanna concurred that it felt weird being there without them.

jordan posted a bulletin saying europe is amazing.

i'm glad they love it.

i can't wait for march 9th.

control

i almost started crying today

and i stopped myself.

it felt nice to be able to do that again.

i haven't been able to in a long time.

i haven't cried in like 4 days and it's such a good feeling.

back to regular life tomorrow

the holiday's are so disorienting.

you spend all this time getting ready.

you stress out, wrap gifts and run around like a madman.

and then it comes.

you eat too much food [and get sick from eating dairy in my case].

stay up too late without knowing it.

and wake up early to prepare for more company.

and then...it's over.

all of the sudden we just have to switch to normal life again.

everyth

ing goes back to normal.

i've decided it's weird.

but i got a new betsey bag for christmas.

set your goals, energy & four year strong tomorrow with molly, kelly, deanna, rory & mackie.

should be a good time.

xxxmas eve

it doesn't feel like the holidays.

my grandparents are here...i'm finally seeing how old they are.

my grammy's got cataracts so bad she can barely see.

my grampy has lost feeling in his fingertips.

i guess i never thought of them as 85 years old before.

dinner was nice tonight though.

my mom made lots of food i could eat.

it's the first xmas eve in a long time that we haven't had chinese.

it doesn't feel like tomorrow's christmas.

i wish it did.

i miss that feeling.

but besides that i was glad to see family.

i've gotten really grateful for what i have lately.

march 9-15 chicago with heather & maybe kristine.

last night was what i needed

i got to spend 5 hours with people i love at a really good show.

i haven't felt genuinely happy like that in a long time.

and then andrew and i decided to pretend nothing had changed between us and spent the whole night and all of today acting like we used to.

it felt comfortable and good.

but it's sad to know it probably wont be like that when he gets back.

i don't know how to feel.

but for now i'll sit here making christmas cookies i can't eat in my new effort long sleeve tony gave me for free and listen to the free cds kat gave me of gavin portland and fighting shit [both of which rule] and fake a smile.

but it's only half fake because the xmas trees finally up.

things that make me happy as of late

ian francis' artwork

http://www.myspace.com/manoverboardnj  

tricia being home

tomorrow will be nice

i'm planning on sleeping in very late.

and then going to see caple with tricia.

and then driving to haverhill for the effort record release show.

and staying the night at andrew's.

i got out of work an hour and a half early today because of the weather.

but am getting paid for the hour and a half i didn't work.

solid.

i was craving grasshopper really bad today.

i would like it to be monday

tonight was fun but awkward.

seeing tricia, katie and molly was good.

i hate seeing people from high school who i don't really like.

at least i'm way hotter and thinner now than i was 2 years ago.

it's snowing a lot still

it's really pretty outside.

my brother and i are pulling up the cardboard all over the addition so that we can see the nice new hardwood floors and they look really nice.

i'm going to be sliding all over them in my socks today.

andrew and i talked until 5am this morning.

everything feels really settled now.

it'll be good to see him on monday.

i think i'm staying over his house which will be nice.

i haven't see his family since this summer.

oh, and this rules.

it's so cool

when i almost die on my way home cause it's snowing so hard and people are assholes who drive too god damn fast on the snow covered highway.

however it is actually cool that i just sent in my final paper for my art & human development class so i'm officially done with school for the semester.

and heather IMd me tonight and we're going to chicago for spring break.

and it's going to rule.

and tomorrow i get to see tricia.

and alex and i are going to hang out soon [i haven't seen him since the spring]

and i downloaded a ton of bad brains and misfits.

i haven't been this happy in a long time.

fuck

it's snowing and i have to go to work until 7.

then i have to come home and write this dumb paper for maureen.

ughhhh.

can it just be monday night please?

this almost made me cry

jaye told me to look up pon and zi online when she saw the portfolio work i did for traditional media...so i did and it made me really sad.

i need to find a way to get rid of my emotions.

i want to study abroad in the netherlands next year.

contemplating life

so i'm sitting in coffee sensations in medway attempting to write this case study for art and human development and it's not going so well because my ADD is kicking in hardcore.

i've been downloading black flag and bad brains albums instead.

my internet is down at home...lame.

i've been talking to kristine today and i think the only way i'm going to really be able to do this is if i force myself to get out there and meet some new guys.

force myself to give someone my number.

force myself to flirt with someone.

force myself to go out on a date.

somewhat force myself to have sex with someone...but my raging hormones and pent up sexual tension will probably take care of that.

i'm not ready to be in a relationship nor do i want to be because andrew's got a strong hold on my heart still and i don't think it's going to change.

and what's the point [if it comes along] of starting a relationship if you know you won't let yourself fall in love with someone?

deanna posted this in a myspace bulletin today

henry rollins

"Best not to mix the past with the present. The present paints the past with gold. The past paints the present with lead. When I run backwards I feel the desperation rise. Best for me to hurtle headlong into the present. Never look back. Maybe catch on fire if I do it right. That's all there is-the Right Now. If we don't plant ourselves in the front row of the present, I predict that if any of us reach old age, we'll be sitting on the front porch thinking, "Damn, shoulda burned all the temples. Screamed, danced and dragged life through the coals". I align myself with life's brutal headlong lunge towards Death. I am in motion at all times. Waging war with Exhaustion. Winning some and losing some."

i bought a white shirt yesterday

i felt pretty today for the first time in a very long time.

the twenty-second

so JR messaged me yesterday and told me that elm street is playing the effort kick off show.

i'm actually really pumped because i haven't seen them play since high school.

molly's going to drive up to haverhill with me.

it should be a nostalgic experience.

tonight was harder than i thought it would be

i had a good day today though.

i wrote a 3 page paper, ate a bagel, took a bike ride, bought a new shirt, caught up with molly and cried in kait's lap in front of her boyfriend for a half an hour.

and now i feel relieved and sure that everything i did was right.

and kait's boyfriend seems like a really good guy.

i'm growing up.

oh bright eyes

"but i give myself three days to feel better
or else i swear i'll drive right off a fucking cliff
'cause if i can't learn to make myself feel better
how can i expect anyone else to give a shit?
and i scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere
just get me past this dead and eternal snow
'cause i swear that i'm dying, slowly but it's happening
and if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere
just take me there, just take me there, just take me there
and say, and lie to me, and say, and lie to me, and say
it's going to be alright"


i've decided i'm gonna be alright.
and i'm going to learn to make myself feel happy.

my hair's growing back

things are ok

andrew and i talked today and we're on a "break"

we talked for a long time today and realized that we got into this really quickly.

we knew each other for like a week before we made it official and said i love you within a month.

we don't regret any of it and we still love each other, but we really just need to work on ourselves and see other people to make sure this is it for us.

being this committed at 19 is scary, so a little freedom will help us out.

we just need some breathing room and time to figure out what we want in life.

he's still going to be my best friend, we're just planning on removing the intimacy and the title of being in a relationship for while.

so i guess i'm single....and my ex-boyfriend is now my best friend.

and i'm actually okay with it because i think it's what we need right now.

back at school and i wish i wasn't

i walk into my kitchen only to find two huge black trash bags.

one full of newspaper and one full of trash because justin is a slob.

he can't walk 20 feet down the fucking hallway and put those bags in the god damn trash room and take the elevator up 5 floors to the fucking recycling bins?!

i'm so god damn fed up with this shit.

i cleaned the whole fucking room on thursday and he just messes everything up.

FUCK

home sweet home

woke up to a coffee pot full of coffee because my dad is amazing.

it was still warm when i woke up.

so he must have made it right before left so it'd be hot when i got up.

had a cup and then met angie at starbucks.

2 pump soy mocha and good conversation with an old friend.

picked up my brother and rachel from track.

she's dating one of his friends...it's weird to think of my little "sister" as dating someone.

back home drinking this morning's leftover coffee and sitting on my couch.

going back to school tomorrow to go to mass market with andrew.

writing paper's all day tomorrow.

i ate bread today

and i didn't get sick.

so apparently i'm not allergic to gluten?

what the fuck is wrong with my body then!?

i just want it to be the 21st & 22nd.

2 shows.

good bands, good friends, staying in byfield.

cannot wait.

this room is so much more empty now

kristine left a couple hours ago.

i feel really lonely now.

even though generally sit on our respective beds and IM eachother while doing homework most of the time while we're home, it feels weird knowing she's back in CT right now.

and that i won't see her for a couple weeks.

i want to be home.

my head hurts

i slammed it on kristine's desk earlier today to show how much i didn't want to do homework.

poor choice on my part.

i should be painting.

i ate one of the crumb cake cupcakes i made today for my photo class  that are made with real flour.

just to see if it makes me sick.

i'm listening to taking back sunday and reliving middle school and early high school.

i haven't seen andrew since saturday.

he lost his phone again.

i want to go home and get my hair cut.

my bangs are so god damn long.

i want the ocean right now

i'd like to go back to that day in june where andrew, deanna, james, mackie, rory and i went to the beach before mackie went back to chicago and james went on tour.

and we ate all rory's food and sat on his deck in the sun while james tried to get a tan.

and the boys went and jumped off bridges.

and we spent the night in mackie's hot tub.

and ended the night by watching murder she wrote.

i miss the summer for the first time ever.

it's days like these

that i really hate having ovaries.

it snowed today

finally.

kristine texted me at 7:30 and came in my room.

we sat in the living room in front of the big window and talked and watched the snow for an hour.

then i went back to sleep.

i met up with jen for her birthday today with molly, mike, andrew, dylan and her friend matt.

we went to pf changs, it was allright.

heather brought me over some cupcakes she made.

i miss living with her.

now i'm back here.

tomorrow i'm going to make rice pasta with peppers, vegan cheese and tomato sauce for me and kristine.

things feel ok today.

this is all i listen to lately

i really miss

being the person i was last year.

i miss being pretty

and fun

and having friends

and being social

and not anxious all the time

franklin

today my 8-11 class only went until 9:30.

it was great.

i went home and slept until 11:30.

then i watched requiem for a dream and cried a whole lot.

and it made me worry about tricia for some reason.

so i left my dorm in a rush and got a soy mocha and walked around the hospital district and then somehow ended up at stop & shop.

i bought soy nog so i can make cookies with it tomorrow.

home for the night with kristine.

waking up at 6:45 tomorrow morning.

going to observe preschoolers tomorrow for a paper we have to write.

then we're gonna go to ocean state job lot just for fun.

cause it's skeezy and we're sure to find something random but useful there.

then taking the train back to school.

and sleeping at andrews so we can go on an adventure tomorrow.

don't know where we're going but it will be nice to spend the day with him, because we never have time to just hang out anymore.

classes will be over soon so we'll have more time to do fun things together.

just watched requiem for a dream

fuck.

i like don't know what to do with myself right now.

fuck yeahh

last night i was a mess and andrew called me and told me to come outside cause he had a surprise for me.

my first surprise was that he bought me a roll from whole foods, that i couldn't eat.

it was cute though, he keeps forgetting i can't have gluten.

then he took me for a ride in the bike cart from tj's.

it's totally a seat thing for little kids but it was rad.

we went around the fens.

it was cool going backwards down the streets and seeing everything rush past me.

then we came back and stayed up until like 4 am.

i finished writing my paper this morning at like 9.

then woke andrew up and made him apple cinnamon naan....because yet again i somehow made naan instead of pancakes.

i'm such a failure.

deanna's coming over to take a shower.

apparently she has no hot water : (

i haven't seen her in awhile so it'll be nice to take a break from homework and see her for a few minutes.

this was class today...

actually doing homework

i'm finally writing my poetry analysis that was due a month and a half ago.

luckily my teacher likes me and told me just to do it and get it to her whenever.

i think she feels bad for me cause i broke down in front of her one day.

my mom drove back to boston tonight to drop off my books for that class because i left them at home and would be fucked without them.

so i made her dinner.

and then she helped me outline my paper.

it was weird because my mom never helped me with my homework in highschool.

but it was nice to have the help.

kristine, rachel and i went to victoria's secret and bought underwear today.

it was justified because we had $10 off coupons and they were giving away a free pair of underwear with any pink purchase....6 pairs of undies for $15 rules.

andrew's coming over tonight.

we're making apple cinnamon pancakes in the morning.

i haven't seen him since last tuesday morning.

this summer

i'd really like to move away.

just for the summer.

maybe not even the whole summer, maybe just 2 months.

temporarily transfer to another hot topic so i have a job.

take andrew with me.

and just try and find home.

cause i can't find it, and i think that's why i'm so depressed all the time.

i feel like i have no real home.

nothing feels comfortable and settled.

if i really dig chicago when i go to visit i might see if andrew wants to run away there for the summer.

there's hot topics in chicago, so i'd be set.

harumph

i'd like to dye my hair darker.

and get it trimmed.

it's looking a hot mess lately.

i've come to the conclusion that i spend too much time on people.com wishing i was someone else.

for once

i just want to be sure of something.

"i'm just wishing for the same thing i'm always wishing for, and that's, you know, an adventure and an adventurous life"

cold

my house is really cold but no one else seems to be noticing.

my dad isn't going to be here until like halfway through dinner because his friend is dying.

my mom's stressed cause her turkey cooked quicker than it should've.

the gluten-free bread we made burned.

i have to leave my house in like 6 and a half hours to go to work until 6am.

awesome.

things were looking good, but not so much anymore.

happy thanksgiving

molly got into umass boston

and i'm making tons of delicious gluten and dairy free food.

things are good.

so i ate some ice cream

worst idea i've had in a very long time.

but it was so good.

i hung out with tricia and molly this morning/afternoon.

we went and got starbucks.

i got a soy 2 pump mocha...it was amazingly delicious .

then we went back to tricia's and i took some pictures of them.

came home around 3, went to hot topic to get my parking pass for friday.

came back home and watched "rumor has it" with mom.

it was cute.

i feel better being home.

much more relaxed.

i only felt sad for like 5 minutes today...it's a record.

home

i found these pictures of the day i went to harvard square by myself and then walked home from the arlington stop on the green line.

it was pretty and fall outside and i was on the verge of a breakdown.

so i made them into polaroids.

i downloaded a polaroid maker today.

"you've become a ghost. you're floating somewhere in between the waking world and a landscape of dreams" -saves the day

i'd like to be in newburyport right now.

drinking an iced coffee from souffles and reading henry rollins on the boardwalk.

feeling sick

my stomach's been weird all day.

and my back is killing me.

i want andrew to stay over tonight, but apparently he's working and then going to a show.

so i won't see him until i get back to boston on like sunday.

rad.

i'm getting fat again

this happened last year and i don't like it.

seattle's best

hazelnut coffee that they sell at wentworth makes me happy.

black coffee and grilled veggies with orange sauce for dinner.

feeling really weird.

bill invited me to go to grasshopper with him, tay and eddie for the buffet.

i wanted to go.

but i have so much homework.

i hate school.

lately i've had tons of bruising on my body and i don't know where they're from.

i have them on my legs and i had one of my chest last week.

and my legs have been swollen looking.

and i've been retaining water.

and i feel really weak all the time.

i looked it up on webmd and they're all symptoms of malnutrition and lack of absorption of nutrients due to having celiac disease.

fucking love my god damn life.

one way to ruggles please....$6.75

on the train back to school.

but going back home tuesday night.

seeing carol made me feel better and made me realize i need to not worry so much about everyone else around me....because that's all i do.

and then i forget about myself...and then i break down.

a cycle i have become very close friends with.

i'm in the free wi-fi car right now.

and there's too many people on it.

i've been looking at ian francis's work and joel-peter witkin's photography.

witkin's is fucked out of his mind and i keep hoping someone will see what i'm looking at and think i'm a psycho...cause that would really amuse me.

when i get home i have to go out and shoot picture....of architecture.

at night.

in the cold.

because abe thought it'd be cool to give us stuff due monday.

gag me with a boring spoon.

at home

again.

seeing carol tomorrow morning.

hopefully she'll fix all my problems.

i had a nice day with kristine today.

we had lattes and did homework.

and then walked to H&M on newbs street and shopped...but didn't buy anything.

then we came back and went up to the library.

i took out some books and kristine stayed and worked.

then i went to class, saw the sold out sally mann lecture and then hopped a train home.

and here i am.

vanilla soy lattes

in espresso royale with kristine doing Maureen's homework.
homework sucks.
espresso is good.

fuck up

i skipped class today
i went to andrews at like 1 AM
and slept until 1 in the afternoon
and then we went to the museum
and then i came back here, but i haven't done any work.
i lied to my mom on the phone and told her i had done a bunch of work today and class was fine.


kristine and justin are getting on my case too.
i wish i could appreciate people being concerned.
but it just makes me want to run away more.






i'm such a fuck up.

epiphany

tonight i was talking to molly and she made me realize that i live my life for other people, not for myself.
i can't recall the last time i really did something for myself.
just for me and no one else.


i think i'm digging myself into a hole.

these puppies are grand.

http://cdn1.ustream.tv/swf/4/viewer.45.swf?cid=317016



and i want to go home.
right now.

it smelled like snow this morning at 8:45 a.m. when i was walking to class.

i love winter.

i can't wait to wake up to a view of snow covered lower income housing.

i want this cat so bad

sphynx cat's are the cutest.

foggy & rainy

i can barely make out the top of the st.alphonsus street church.

i got a check for working open house yesterday.

$50...how i'm paying for ceremony tonight if i go.

i was a jerk to andrew last night.

but i think it's cause i was crying for 4 hours and after that kind of a release you're bound to do something retarded.

i went to bed at like 11.

and just woke up.

i'm a wreck.

i think i need anxiety meds.

rock

bottom

TJ's

yesterday after class I went to TJ's with andrew and made them vegan peanut butter cups.

which they are now selling there for a dollar.

it made me feel accomplished.

and i got a free salad.

but afterwards i felt really awkward.

like when i wasn't busy anymore.

but andrew wanted me to "stay and hang out with everyone"

which made me really anxious, cause i feel like i don't fit in there.

and then i was in a shitty mood.

and then i just got really sad.

and then i almost called my mom and took a train home.

but i didn't.

i was planning on making pancakes this morning for andrew and i, and they turned into this vegan naan like substance.

they were delicious.

whatever happened to

something corporate?

i went grocery shopping again today

the new whole foods brand ricemilk container is cute.

and backwards apparently.

however, this makes me happy

feeling hollow

i'm afraid andrew won't stay in boston when he gets back from europe.

he keeps talking about how he doesn't want to come back to the apartment in february anymore.

what am i going to do if he leaves?

worried

i'm worried about kristine.

i can't remember the last time she was sober for an entire 24 hours.

i like her new hair color

Paramore - New Music - More Music Videos

so today i watched the new paramore video.

and i am like super pumped on it cause i'm still 16 on the inside

fuck my life

i think i'm almost failing two classes.

great.

fuck the world.

last night was cool

have fun shooting polar bears and moose in alaska yah cunt!

vote

i voted today.

it made me feel old.

but accomplished and important.

vote

i voted today.

it made me feel old.

but accomplished and important.

best dinner

broccoli 2 egg omelets with ketchup.

lame

nick broke up with kristine for no good reason.

and now she's really upset.

so we threw everything he gave her into a big box and we're leaving it at his dorm.

we're going to victorias secret to buy underwear in a bit.

new things make everything better.

last night i was really bummed for no reason.

i've  been feeling disconnected from things recently.

i complained about life to andrew for like half an hour.

and then gave him a back massage to make up for it.

and then we had sex and went to sleep and i woke up feeling better.

relieved

things feel better now.

halloween is tomorrow and i still dont know what to be.

i wish i was a more decisive person.

i've got class at 4:45...i don't want to go.

the bird and the bee is nice afternoon music.

i tried cocoa pebbles for the first time today.

they were fucking bomb.

gross

it's really depressing outside today.

and i have to go sit in a hallway for like an hour to get signed off on my schedule for next year.

and i was a cunt on the phone to andrew last  night.

for absolutely no reason.

i want to get a rice crust pizza from tj's tonight.

or my soy cream out of andrew's freezer.

all i want is some shitty food and a large coffee.

sick of 210

i'm sick of my dorm.

it's so white and feels like a hospital.

and i hate only having one window, that doesn't even open.

all i want is to have an apartment with kristine where we have a bay window that we can sit next to when we eat breakfast on weekend mornings.

it was a good day

today while i was standing in line at the photo cage a girl in my class turned around and looked at me and said:

"y0u're not wearing all your thick eyeliner today"

i said "no, not today...i didn't feel like dealing with it"

she replied "you look pretty without it."

it made me feel good.

then i had a good one on one critique with abe.

he really likes my work.

sick

i've been getting sick a lot lately.

all i want to eat is stuff that has wheat in it.

or dairy in it.

so i eat it, and get sick.

surprise, surprise.

last night i went to a basement show in pawtucket at "easy axxess"

the effort, outrage, product of waste, soul control, golden age and jordan's new band played.  

it was a rad space and there weren't too many dumb kids there.

then i got back to andrew's and he told me he misses me when i don't sleep at his place.

how cute is that?

domesticity

tonight kristine and i were domestic.

i made vegan cocoa rice crispy treats.

kristine made bacon for her and nick's dinner.

it was nice to be social and cook with my bffl.

hiding

so here i am, sitting in andrew's room on his window sill with the door closed cause he and taylor are screaming at each other about the bills in the living room.

deanna just yelled at them to stop yelling and they're "calmly" discussing it now.

and by calmly i mean still swearing and talking really angrily, just a bit quieter now.

i feel so awkward.

i'm afraid somehow i'm gonna get brought into this cause i live here half the time.

i have to pee, but i'm afraid to leave the room.

"three girls and a fag"

yesterday i came back from andrew's and was super bummed for no reason.

as per usual.

and i almost called my mom and told her i wanted to come home.

but then i took a nap and molly invited me out to grasshopper with her and ian.

having dinner with them put me in a way better mood.

and andrew hit a mini-van on his bike.

he's in poor shape.

last night i stayed over and played mom and i think it made him annoyed.

i think i'm going back to grasshopper tonight with andrew [on crutches] for eddie's birthday.

tofu hand rolls & edamame nom nom nom

there's a hole in my stomach

i don't want to be here anymore.

i've always got this hollow feeling in my stomach and i'm constantly on the verge of tears for no reason.

i don't know what's wrong.

all i want is to sleep forever in andrew's bed in roxbury.

or even his bed in byfield.

i miss sleeping in andrew's bed until 2 in the afternoon and being woken up by him sitting on the edge of the bed wrapped in a towel after showering because he smelled so bad from biking.

i miss home too.

even though i just came back from it.

i want to go home for the night again.

yesterday

went as following:

wake up

drink juice

eat waffle

starbucks with dad

bank with dad

errands with dad

drive back to school with mom

look at overpriced coats at macy's with mom

get back to school

break down and sit on floor crying

decide that maybe school isn't for me right now

bike to andrews

sit on his floor and cry a lot more

eat spoonful of frosting and piece of watermelon even though i barely ate that day

watch blue crush with andrew

have sex

have my period come back

go to sleep at 10:00

i'm exhausted this morning even though i slept for like 11 hours.

happy edge day

i took a shower tonight

it was really nice to shower at home.

i can't remember the last time i showered  before today.

it's really bad.

i need to start showering more often.

i also need to figure out what's wrong with me.

panic attack last night.

no fun.

i love presents

today i got the present andrew sent me from chicago.

he had my address wrong so it didn't come until now.

he sent it in august.

it's a really cute t-shirt from the chicago diner.

which i will [hopefully] be attending on my 20th birthday with andrew and deanna and mackie.

spring break '09 is gonna rule.

i put lights up in my room

ughh

feeling so low.

i want to get on a train right now.

to anywhere that isn't here.

frigid

today i sat on the corner of huntington and evans way for 6.5 hours.

and now i'm freezing.

but i made a new friend!

smile

lauren steil posted this today in a myspace bulletin.

it made me smile.

i think i'll try this tomorrow.

"sometimes I like to be alone, "sometimes" is an understatement

if it weren't for being alone in LA I wouldn't be who I am right now, and I am probably nothing like you would think

I love the color peach, it reminds me of california and florida

my tomato plant has a tiny baby green tomato on it, and I also have a pineapple plant and a banana tree (but no fruit yet!)

I want to become an amazing cook

I want to become a nurse

I care for all people that want to grow and work at it

when I have a free day I'm going to go to the beach to collect sea shells

I am continuing to expand as a designer and photography

I am grateful for all of the honest and real friendships I have and continue to have...and for the ones we are working on to be that

I am equally grateful for people believing in me and I love to believe in people 

the travel channel rules for having Anthony Bourdain and Samantha Brown

I want a telescope

sparkly stickers & doughnuts are my weakness

I drink a gallon of skim milk by myself in just a few days

pilates is my savior

you can win me over with an amazing tuna fish sandwich

I want to learn how to do wood work and I want a wood stump

less stress more fun

be careful who you take advice from

for anyone that has given me a chance at showing you who I am...thank you

sometimes I like to list the things I appreciate and the things I want to accomplish and keep in mind...you should try it sometime :)"

trees

i think all i needed was to see trees.

with all their different colored leaves.

and some of them with half their leaves on the ground.

i think i'll go to the arboretum this week.

i think i need it.

it really sucks

to be so sad in a place that you love so much.

i caved and went home again.

my mom's really worried about me.

so is lindsay.

i'm ok

things are better now.

i'm gonna try to stop crying from now on.

cause when i do, i can never stop.

i'm watching project runway reruns.

i love project runway and heidi's obnoxious laugh.

i haven't had sex in like 2 weeks.

i'm going insane.

absolutely insane.

somewhere

i really just want to run away.

i don't care where, i just need to get out of here.

i'm so sick of everything.

i want to fix everything and i can't, so i just want to leave.

pack up and leave.

worried

sick.

tonight

i made delicious vegan gluten free cupcakes.

maybe this gluten allergy won't suck too bad if i can make good baked goods.

molly came over today for a shoot.

i haven't seen her in like 3 weeks, but things never change.

no matter how long it's been.

still haven't heard from andrew.

cool beans.

the hills in on mtv.com

must watch!

fix me

fix my head

fix me please

i don't wanna be dead

sick

of being sick.

i'm sick of having my back hurt all the time for no reason.

i'm sick of being broke.

i'm sick of doing school work.

i'm sick of not being motivated.

i'm sick of not having time to have sex.

i'm sick of eating.

i'm sick of being fat.

i'm sick of everything right now.

all i want is a hug.

and for someone to tuck me into bed tonight.

lard ass

i'm getting really fat again.

i'm trying not to eat very much and it's mildly successful.

i figure if i just drink tons of water like i used to and drink more coffee my metabolism will kickstart.

then maybe i won't gag when i look in the mirror.

i don't know

what the fuck to do anymore.

oh, and

i have the best roommate ever.

i get back from NFG and there's a bag of rice flour on my desk.

Kristine is such a great friend.

i don't know what i'd do without her.

the past 2 days

have been wonderful.

yesterday andrew got out of work early and told me that he had some surprises planned for me.

we met up and sadly missed his first surprise, which was to go see choke.

then he took me to grezzo and spent way too much money on me.

but it was amazing.

best food ever.

then we walked down to mike's pastries and got marzipan.

which was delicious as well.

mine was shaped like a carrot and andrew's was shaped like a hot dog.

it was cute because this was his way of making up for not doing anything on our anniversary.

i have the best boyfriend ever.

he's amazing.

tonight i went to NFG.

and it was epically amazing.

but i think i broke my nose.

but i don't even care.

surpsises

apparently andrew has a surprise for me today.

but we have to bike to cambridge for it.

in the rain.=

not too pumped on that.

but i am pumped on surprises.

he's been such a giving boyfriend lately.

it's weird.

but it's nice.

maybe he's trying to make up for all the time he'll be in europe this winter.

disgusting

i just ate like half a bag of ore-ida fries.

i feel disgusting.

i wish i could throw up.

tonight me and kristine have been sitting in our rooms IMing each other links for sexy halloween costumes and funny lingerie.

we do this all the time.

i love it.

so hungry

i hate feeling hungry

but i need to stop eating so much

not being able to eat bread sucks

i never feel really full.

all i do is complain.

project runway is on.

ate some frosting yesterday that somehow had gluten in it

now my stomach is more bloated.

sweeeeet

love life.

i miss eating bread.

srsly

fuck bleeding from the vagina.

worst bodily function ever.

no more bread

unless it's gluten free.

i love jackass.

and i love when it's on for hours on end.

and i love it even more when henry rollins makes a random appearance on it.

oh, and i love my boyfriend.

cause he showed up at my dorm with roses today cause we didn't celebrate our anniversary.

he's a cutie.

pennies

my nose just started bleeding for no reason.

all i can smell is blood.

and my mouth tastes like pennies.

nom

vegan gluten free frozen waffles from trader joe's are the most wonderful invention.

especially when topped with tofutti cream cheese and blackberry jelly.

i think i've got a gluten allergy.

i've been so sick lately that i decided to try not eating any gluten for awhile.

i'm so over feeling nauseous and looking prego cause my stomach is so bloated.

and today i feel awesome.

i haven't had a stomach ache at all!

plus molly and i worked shit out.

ugh

apparently i've become really great at being a horrible friend.

i hate this.

please just run over me with a car.

: )

one whole awesome year.

blustery day

so windy outside.

so wishing i didn't have class at 1:30.

so pumped to bake a coffee cake tonight.

ugh

i think an alien laid eggs in my tummy.

one day i'll be eating soup and it will just hatch out of my stomach.

it'll be exactly like in space balls.

at least then i'll know what's wrong with me.

nom

i made pumpkin oatmeal cookies yesterday.

they were delicious.

tell me

the profile views on this thing keep going up.

so someone's reading it.

tell me something.

anything.

but make it anonymous.

i like

http://www.melaniepullen.com

undecided

breakdown

smile

breakdown

smile

breakdown

smile

breakdown

smile

sleep

bagel

job interview

smile

welcome to my life.

cold

i'll only be happy when there's snow on the ground and i'm wearing my blue plaid jacket with my green hoodie underneath it.

fuck

$169 for a light meter.

i dropped $169 in my photo class on a light meter.

$60 for 6 film holders.

fuck photography.

find me a job please.

blood

oh, and i cut my finger open on a can of refried beans.

it bled a shit ton.

i cut it from the first bend in my finger up to my cuticle.

it bled for like 5 minutes and then i put a band-aid on it.

it bled through the first band-aid.

the first heavy-duty band-aid.

soft shell tacos

food is the best excuse to see friends.

deanna showed up for 10 minutes and ate a taco.

she brought whitey.

it was nice.

then brandon and brandon and andy showed up.

they made me appreciate the male gender.

they're an amusing bunch.

we watched hot pursuits and dinosaurs.

and ate.

i hope i get to see andrew tonight.

seeing him for a minute makes me want to see him more than when i don't get to see him at all.

it's weird.

OCD

i've realized i constantly change my clothes.

i've changed my shirt 5 times today.

i'm about to eat tacos.

nom nom nom

zoom

andrew bought me a bike

it's pinkish purple

and really cute

and i just want to ride it around the city all day long.

i burned my finger on the toaster oven.

it hurts like a bitch.

roadrage show on wednesday.

so pumped.

this is a joke.

"for next class i want you to bring in 3 to 5 examples of ways to attach 2 pieces of paper together."

that is my homework for my traditional media class.

yupp....so far this year looks pretty easy.

sunrise over lower income housing

i love being back on huntington avenue

tomorrow

everything will be perfect

new room

new year

new tv shows

kristine

justin

andrew

lindsay

my brother's girlfriend is the greatest

she buys me presents for no reason

and gives the best hugs.

real hugs.

not fake hugs.

the sun just came out.

it's been gross and overcast all day.

it's nice to see something happy.

729

i had a good day at work today.

i hope my last 3 days are just as nice.

just watch this...my brother made it

fuck

fuck fuck fuck

my stomach hurts so bad

it's so bloated that i look preggo

i can't eat without getting sick anymore

dear E-Line

please run me over the next time i try to get on you to come home.

nom

i eat too much

i need to stop it

i always feel hungry

and then i eat

and then i feel sick

i'm going to gain back the 20 pounds i've lost

i wonder if anyone at school will notice

i wonder if i have stomach cancer

time, move faster

my mom is killing me

very slowly but surely

she's always angry because of this addition

she didn't plan out how much it was going to cost

and now she's freaking out

and now she's angry

and stressed

and all she does is cry

at me

andrew called me from chicago 3 times today so far

i wish i was there with him

he saw a capybara

we're going to go together next summer

or maybe with deanna in october

i hope we go with deanna

monday cannot come soon enough

i miss kristine

hollow

i feel like there's a space

a big empty space

right where my stomach should be

right where my happiness should be

it's felt that way since i left the city yesterday

since i left home

morning

tylenol and raisin bran for breakfast

strangers outside my window

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ladder moves

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